Free Market of Fear: The Short List

Rachel Maddow wants me to fear the next Tim McVeigh.

Sean Hannity wants me to fear everyone who has skin darker than Catholic high school portrait Jesus.

Keith Olbermann wants me to fear a world without his voice reminding me to fear Sean Hannity.

Barack Obama really wants me to fear Iran, but not his nuclear saber rattling.

He also would like to remind the rest of you that he's got fiat execution powers.

Ezra Klein wants me terrified of a world where the hoi polloi make policy.

Revlon wants me to fear a world where my wife ages gracefully, or just ages at all.

Jenny Craig wants me afraid of body fat.

Sarah Palin wants me scared of the East Coast, California, the Pacific Northwest, Canada, Europe and Russia.

The creepy Shakescult wants me to shake in horror at loud white people with badly spelled signs.

Loud white people with badly spelled signs want me to fear a black planet.

Everyone at Fox News wants me to fear everything, but especially nebulously defined "socialism."

GE wants me to fear global warming that doesn't have GE as the "green" solution.

Alan Dershowitz desperately wants me afraid of Palestinians with ballot boxes.

The US Chamber of Commerce wants me to tremble at the thought of single payer.

The NYT wants me to fear a world where my cousins in the tribe don't shape the American view of Israel.

Michelle Malkin, ironically, wants me to fear people who look like her but don't have an Oberlin education.

Jim Cramer wants me to quake at the thought of a world without hedge funds.

Mitt Romney wants me to fear Romneycare, now that people call it Obamacare.

Dick Cheney just wants everyone to fear.

Glenn Beck would like me to fear a grand conspiracy, if only he could articulate his thoughts in coherent English.

Creationists want me to fear rational inquiry.

Evangelical atheists want me to fear creationists.

Homophobes, curiously, would like me afraid of man-horse sex.

Bestialitists, thankfully, have nothing to say.

Christianists think I ought to fear myself, my generative organs, desire, passion and wit.

The Vatican wants me to fear International Homesexual Paedophile Jewry.

Rush Limbaugh wants me to fear, loathe, hate and despise all the Mexican domestic staffers not currently dispensing illegal narcotics near the Florida coastline.

Rudy Giuliani still thinks I ought to worry about Nine Eleven.

The Partnership for a Drug Free America wants me terrified of ecstasy, self-abandon and chemical disobedience.

And my liberals friends want me afraid of the conservative ones who want me to fear the libertarians, who think I need a desperate, immediate education in terror, when it comes to the nine Marxists left in America...