"...it's not the training to be mean but the training to be kind that is used to keep us leashed best." ~ Black Dog Red

"In case you haven't recognized the trend: it proceeds action, dissent, speech." ~ davidly, on how wars get done

"...What sort of meager, unerotic existence must a man live to find himself moved to such ecstatic heights by the mundane sniping of a congressional budget fight. The fate of human existence does not hang in the balance. The gods are not arrayed on either side. Poseiden, earth-shaker, has regrettably set his sights on the poor fishermen of northern Japan and not on Washington, D.C. where his ire might do some good--I can think of no better spot for a little wetland reclamation project, if you know what I mean. The fight is neither revolution nor apocalypse; it is hardly even a fight. A lot of apparatchiks are moving a lot of phony numbers with more zeros than a century of soccer scores around, weaving a brittle chrysalis around a gross worm that, some time hence, will emerge, untransformed, still a worm." ~ IOZ

Apr 13, 2010

Free Market of Fear: The Short List

Rachel Maddow wants me to fear the next Tim McVeigh.

Sean Hannity wants me to fear everyone who has skin darker than Catholic high school portrait Jesus.

Keith Olbermann wants me to fear a world without his voice reminding me to fear Sean Hannity.

Barack Obama really wants me to fear Iran, but not his nuclear saber rattling.

He also would like to remind the rest of you that he's got fiat execution powers.

Ezra Klein wants me terrified of a world where the hoi polloi make policy.

Revlon wants me to fear a world where my wife ages gracefully, or just ages at all.

Jenny Craig wants me afraid of body fat.

Sarah Palin wants me scared of the East Coast, California, the Pacific Northwest, Canada, Europe and Russia.

The creepy Shakescult wants me to shake in horror at loud white people with badly spelled signs.

Loud white people with badly spelled signs want me to fear a black planet.

Everyone at Fox News wants me to fear everything, but especially nebulously defined "socialism."

GE wants me to fear global warming that doesn't have GE as the "green" solution.

Alan Dershowitz desperately wants me afraid of Palestinians with ballot boxes.

The US Chamber of Commerce wants me to tremble at the thought of single payer.

The NYT wants me to fear a world where my cousins in the tribe don't shape the American view of Israel.

Michelle Malkin, ironically, wants me to fear people who look like her but don't have an Oberlin education.

Jim Cramer wants me to quake at the thought of a world without hedge funds.

Mitt Romney wants me to fear Romneycare, now that people call it Obamacare.

Dick Cheney just wants everyone to fear.

Glenn Beck would like me to fear a grand conspiracy, if only he could articulate his thoughts in coherent English.

Creationists want me to fear rational inquiry.

Evangelical atheists want me to fear creationists.

Homophobes, curiously, would like me afraid of man-horse sex.

Bestialitists, thankfully, have nothing to say.

Christianists think I ought to fear myself, my generative organs, desire, passion and wit.

The Vatican wants me to fear International Homesexual Paedophile Jewry.

Rush Limbaugh wants me to fear, loathe, hate and despise all the Mexican domestic staffers not currently dispensing illegal narcotics near the Florida coastline.

Rudy Giuliani still thinks I ought to worry about Nine Eleven.

The Partnership for a Drug Free America wants me terrified of ecstasy, self-abandon and chemical disobedience.

And my liberals friends want me afraid of the conservative ones who want me to fear the libertarians, who think I need a desperate, immediate education in terror, when it comes to the nine Marxists left in America...


Justin said...

Animal Planet wants you to fear sharks, bears and insects. In fairness, you should probably fear those things.

JM said...

granted, black agenda report's afraid of the tea party too:


Ethan said...

This is great, Jack. All of it, but Keith Olbermann made me laugh really hard.

Ethan said...

Incidentally I didn't realize that Malkin went to Oberlin. I had the privileged misfortune of going there. It's not a good place.

thredd said...

i am crying and laffing. "craffing"

Jack Crow said...

Wow. I should watch Jon Stewart throw gatekeeper softballs Maddow's way more often.